Well, I have been single for 19 consecutive years now and I still haven't experienced any of these: first dance, first rose/flower, first chocolate, first date on valentine's day, first kiss, first suitor.
I don't see what the hell is going on. I don't see anything repulsive, or at least that's what I think. I' m not ugly. I'm not dumb either. As a matter of fact, I have more brains than some of those beauty contest wannabees that doesn't even know how to speak English even if she's a MassComm student in UE.
Anyway, I consider myself as someone strong especially in the opinion department. I have lived my life without a man for 19 years and WHAT the hell am i saying??
Ok, here's a little low-down on my little distress.
I have never had a boyfriend and I consider myself quite sufficient and values-oriented. I value honesty, even if it bites me in the ass, I will accept it. I have no problems with anyone. I have lived the rest of my 5 hormone-raging years as an independent and self-sufficient young lady who tries as much as possible to be nice to everybody. (But of course, that changed last year. I decided I have been giving myself a little too much that they take me for granted, even taking advantage of me and backstabbing me even though I never did anything bad to them. Upon that realization, I decided I will let them know not to mess with me.)
Back to the topic. I have been living as a virgin (although I don't plan on dying as one). I respect my body, no piercings, tattoos, I don't drink, and I don't smoke. I also never experienced saying I Love You to someone or at least receiving those words from someone unrelated. Although I have been like this for years since I hit puberty, I lived a relatively good life.
And so it eludes me as to why is it that even someone whose beauty is degraded than mine gets an admirer. As one of my friends would put it, "Yung pangit nga, naliligawan, kaw pa kaya?"
Not that I'm complaining, but wouldn't it be nice to have a romantic company on cold lonely nights, even if you just hear that special someone's voice on the other end of the phone, feel a whole lot better just being on someone's side, feeling needed, get that sort of fuzzy feeling (so they say, for I have no idea what that feels.)
Over the course of being single, I was clearly lonely.
And then it hit me.
I asked, "What can a man do for me?"
My answer would be,
" It would be like keeping a pet. I can still be myself and this time, I can shower my affection on someone who actually thinks like me and at the same time, I can satisfy this sick motherly instinct that is born with every female human."
Huh. Sensible answer. But love doesn't need to be sensible, right?
Wrong.
In a book I have read, Love would be something that humans called the sort of feeling you get when selecting a mate.
So, does that mean I will never have a mate? I will never marry?? I don't know.
All I know is that there is something about me that seems to drive those potential partners for life away. I still don't get it. But, yeah.... what CAN they do for me? I guess that would be self-esteem. I have thought of myself as someone who can do anything.
I am not odinary.
I am extraordinary.
And someone who's not ordinary would be someone special.
And I am special.
I am Supergirl in a sense.
But that piece of reality-the fact that no one wants me as someone's special someone- would be my Kryptonite. It shatters your image. It gives you that feeling that you are not as special as you think. Because you are not established as someone special in your special someone's eyes. And for that, your self-esteem feels lower. It feels heavy.
Harsh, I know. I've been there and I'm still stuck there.
But what keeps me going? I have been living my days like it's nothing. That THAT Kryptonite doesn't affect me in any way. I guess that would be my love for life. I have been busy taking care of me that I only remember I'm single for a moment and I move ahead, knowing and thinking that a man is just an addition in my life. I am still me after all, with or without a man.
I am in control of my life. I am me. And I am taking care of number one. I feel powerful.
However, I fear, that when that special someone comes, I would let go of that power. And fear losing it for good. And when that happens, I would be more confused than I am now. Never knowing which one to let go.
And, judging from experiences by friends, I am starting to think that being single might not be so bad after all. That and for the power, I'm starting to think that I'm developing commitment phobia from those two reasons.
*sigh* It's all so confusing..
It would be hard. But I hope that he would make a difference. In my life, that is. My special someone.
No, I'm not desperate. I'm just baffled as to why that is. No, I'm not complaining I'm single. On the contrary, I learned to enjoy being alone. I don't get bossed around. I can flirt like crazy and no one will get angry if I do. I can be hot and confident that no one's watching me. I can do as I please! I guess you enjoy being single more if you've been single for long.
In the meantime, I will try to have fun as much as I can. And keep my sanity intact as much as possible. Keep my attention away from the "Oh pitiful I am! For I have no one to love" mentality. I may not marry.
Oh, well. Who knows? No one knows. Not even me.
 | umm, there's just no simple answer as to why, no more than there is to life's other demands.and wag mong ikumpara sarili mo sa iba, kahit pa hindi sila magaling mag-english or mas panget or what. there's no way we can MAKE someone truly love us. there is nothing harder to do than wait without asking demands but it truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. and there is still life in waiting. :) |
 | I know that,but it's so frustrating... I mean, i'm not ugly,pero bakit ganon? |
 | ngek?? well all i can say is this: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1Cor 13:4.... although its frustrating.. well get it one day:) |
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ngek?? well all i can say is this: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 1Cor 13:4.... although its frustrating.. well get it one day:) 